My daughter is just a few days short of 10 months old. She isn\u2019t speaking in a way that is understandable except for us if we pay attention and it still is mostly just guessing. She doesn\u2019t walk by herself. She just today sat up from lying without help, twice actually. (We\u2019ve been dreading that day, because now we can\u2019t just put her down and she stays within a short distance of that place, but can get up and bump around all over).<\/p>\n
Bumping is her second preferred way to get around, sitting on her but and wiggling getting around at astonishing speeds. Her first preferred way to get around is to grab some ones fingers, preferably Susanna\u2019s or mine, stand up and start walking.<\/p>\n
Anyway: She really shows that it is mom that is important. She doesn\u2019t even have to be hungry. If she is in the wrong mood she just isn\u2019t okay with Susanna leaving. I won\u2019t do. Nothing can (to my desperate tries so far) change that.<\/p>\n
Like this morning when Susanna went and took a shower. She immediately bumped towards the door, starting to whine when she arrived there. When that didn\u2019t help, I wasn\u2019t really that awake at that point, she got a bit louder. This had the effect that I took her up. Did that help? No. So I tried to play with her. No, that wasn\u2019t okay either. Big tears went down her cheeks. Tears on my daughter\u2019s cheeks just are a bit tough. So I take it to the next level and give her some of her toys. Nope, that didn\u2019t help either, she just pushed them away. I gave them back to her, she threw them away. I haven\u2019t seen her do it that fierce before. Like she was angry. I think she was. Angry that I didn\u2019t take her to mom. That was my task! Okay, I picked her up again, sang a bit and rocked her gently. Sometimes that helps. Not so this time. I continued doing it, she cried louder. I gave her Susanna\u2019s phone (one of her favourite toys that she can\u2019t play with except when nothing else helps). She threw it on the floor so hard I was afraid it broke. (It didn\u2019t). So I gave myself a little relief and put her down in the crib. Big mistake, she started to scream at the top of her lungs. Susanna must have heard that in the shower. I picked her up again. It went on like this for a little while longer, until; we both heard the sound of a lock and door being opened. She still was crying. Susanna opened the door to our room and Ellinor really tried to wiggle her way out of my arms with her arms stretched out to Susanna. Susanna could not take her over fast enough. As soon Susanna had her she calmed down, still sobbing a bit looking at me with some kind of \u201cwhy didn\u2019t you get me to mom sooner?\u201d view.<\/p>\n
This took about 10 minutes. Ten horrible minutes. Not every time is as bad as this, but she time after time shows me that I\u2019m just not good enough. I pick her up; she turns to mom and tries to escape. I hold her just short while Susanna has to fix something and she starts whining. I stay at the table with her trying to feed her and she is turning her head away. All these things just make one feel less appreciated. Sometimes she just doesn\u2019t let me do anything, not even change the diapers.<\/p>\n
Then it\u2019s important to remember the other times:<\/p>\n
Like when I come home from work. When I get in the door and say hi, I hear Susanna\u2019s voice somewhere in the apartment; \u201cDid you hear who came now, papa is home.\u201d Then she has the biggest smile on her face when she sees me. If she\u2019s on the floor she starts bumping to me at top speed.<\/p>\n
Or when we are together as an entire family. Sitting and having a cosy time on the sofa or in the bed. She just smiles and says \u201cpapapapapa\u201d or \u201cmamamapa\u201d or something else that is really cute.<\/p>\n
Or when I play with her, taking her for walks, letting her ride my shoulders. She really shows that she loves it when I do things with her sometimes.<\/p>\n
Once in a while she just wants me to feed her too. Not accepting food from a spoon as long as Susanna holds it, but only when I give it to her.<\/p>\n
Sometimes we just sit in the sofa and have a good time.<\/p>\n
She loves me. I know that for sure. She just loves Susanna more. And that is just natural. Susanna is there much more of her time. I disappear to work. She gives the food and comfort she needs to calm down in the evening. This is nothing for me to get jealous of. I know I\u2019m important to her too. She knows it too, I\u2019m sure of it. Thinking of all that, especially when in moments like the ones in the first part of this entry, help me to not feel rejected.<\/p>\n
Even when I am rejected by her, I know it\u2019s not personal; it\u2019s just there is someone that is more important to her. That is good. Susanna has to be more important right now. Later that can change. It doesn\u2019t have to, I\u2019m okay with being number 2, later I might even become number 3 or less, who knows. As long as I am the best father I can, in my eyes I\u2019m good enough for her and she is always my lovely daughter.<\/p>\n
My daughter is just a few days short of 10 months old. She isn\u2019t speaking in a way that is understandable except for us if we pay attention and it still is mostly just guessing. She doesn\u2019t walk by herself. … Continue reading