Tag Archives: Susanna

Some different life

Posted on by
Reply

 

So, now I’ve been home with our daughter for one and a half week. I’m starting to get a hold of things. I’m starting to understand the work involved in entertaining a kid all day. I’m having a hard time thinking of easy and good food, but thanks to some of my readers I still have a few ideas that I can use.

One thing I’m realising is that no day is like the other. One day I’m getting all the signals right and I don’t have to change one used diaper. Other days I’m missing all of them. (She has been using the potty a long time, but for safe we use diapers too). Some days I can eat in peace with her enjoying her food at a comfortable pace without too much a mess, other days she just throws things around, leaving me cleaning the floor, table, three chairs (including hers), wall, windows and sofa. I always have to clean her, sometimes less, sometimes more, then I just put her into the shower.

It is amazing how she has become so much more attached to me. She now comes over to me and wants to be lifted up while I’m cooking even when Susanna is at home. That didn’t happen before. I’m getting stronger in my left arm; it’s kind of tricky to cook with only the right arm free, but doing it with the left is even trickier. I do have to put her down for some task and she does somehow understand it too, but as soon as I’m done with the thing that made me put her down in the first place she’s back between my legs almost trying to climb up.

I thought the hardest thing would be not meeting people all day. And I think it is. I’m trying to get out every day, some days for some shopping, others for some activity (we have her swimming once a week now), or just to go to the playground or to the open preschool. Later, when Susanna is working full time I will come and visit her at work too.

Sleep is a bit of a problem still. I can get her to sleep, but it requires a long walk or bicycle tour. I have to time it right and have to be on the move for at least half an hour. Then she maybe sleeps for one hour, but if I stop it’s not sure that she continues to sleep. Twice she did sleep a while after I got home, but every other time she woke up.

This last weekend was beautiful, so we had a little walk around our house:

Beautiful weekend

As I was writing Susanna was looking at some toy-car-thingy: http://www.swingcar.se/ (She didn’t look at that page I’m sure of, because I couldn’t fine the film she was looking at there. It had a song as soundtrack; see film below; which made me remember a walk I made midsummer 2004. I made a walk in my neighbourhood that night, thinking of how my life was. Back then I was just doing the last parts of my master-thesis. This was a period in my life when I had lost myself. I felt like I wanted to run from everything. I was thinking I should move to a new place and start over. I just knew I wouldn’t get rid of the feeling anyway. It felt hopeless. Still I had many things I was really happy about. I had a few good friends and I really looked forward to visit my brother later that summer.

[embedit snippet=”not-gonna-get-us”]

 

Here are a few pictures from that walk:

Midsummer walk 2004

After looking at those pictures I started looking at other old pictures. O have I changed. I showed some of them to Susanna, I think she is really happy I have changed. I’m happy too. I found myself again. Now I have a happy family and the feeling of wanting to run from it all just doesn’t come anymore. I live so much more right here, right now. I think that’s the only way of living taking care of a child.

Some more music reference there if you want:

[embedit snippet=”right-here-right-now”]

Full time parent

Posted on by
4

Now I’m officially on parental leave. We have a great opportunity here in Sweden where we can stretch it to relatively long times. I will be home for at least half a year, but probably longer.

I have actually not worked since Wednesday, as I had worked some extra hours during the summer making it possible for me to take Thursday and Friday off. Having four days all three of us was really nice. On Friday we all went into town and had my parents over in the afternoon. They really love being with us, especially our daughter. She likes them too; she brought almost every one of her books to my dad and he read them to her.

On Saturday we did a little excursion to Drottningholm with our bicycles. That is always nice. We looked at the sheep, gees and tourists walking around the park.

Today was the first day I was home with her alone. I didn’t know how it would be. I couldn’t even imagine it before. Would I be able to take care of her in a good way? Would there be time to do all the things I wanted and had to do? Would I be able to comfort her when she was missing her mother? Today it all went fine. I think anyway. And I even had time for a shower. (With my daughter playing with the shower curtain at the same time).

The hardest thing was to comfort her when she was longing for her mother. She walked over to the door and sat down crying for a little while. I picked her up and talked to her, after a few minutes she stopped crying and started playing again.

She is just so cute when she talks her own little language. I wish I knew what she is saying. I think she wishes we knew too.

One thing we didn’t do during the day was taking a nap. She does need a nap during the day. Today she took the nap at 6 in the evening, making it hard for her to get to rest now while I’m writing this.

So this was the first day. Now there will be many more to come. Tomorrow we will go swimming and we will do that a few more Tuesdays. I don’t have that much planned. I should have the dinner of this week planned, but I still lack a vegetarian meal on Thursday, so if you have a good idea that isn’t oven-roasted vegetables give me a hint.

Happy Birthday Ellinor!

Posted on by
1

Today is your first birthday, you might not think so much about it, but you have lived in this world for one year now.

One day you will understand the fuzz about it and enjoy the special things we do for you on your birthday. You might even understand this text if we do some things right. Today you just enjoyed the cake, pancake cake with raspberry jam, strawberries, chocolate and whipped cream, the new toys and your parent attention.

It feels like yesterday, the day when you came. It was a beautiful day, a bit strange, maybe because of the fatigue. I just loved you the moment I saw you, just like I love you today.

At first I didn’t know what to do. I was scared. But then, when I could hold you to my chest all that disappeared. Today a year later you are greater than ever. Now you walk, enjoy food and like moving things to new spots.

I’m so happy you take us on this journey. I couldn’t imagine half the things I have seen happening this year. Some were hard, some fun and some just plain. Still even the plain things are special.

I’m so happy when I get home and I hear your voice, “papapapapa”. When you give things to me, even if it’s a half eaten piece of pasta.

Here are some memories:

When you just were born.

Enjoying our first trip together.

Visiting our relatives in Germany.

Sitting in the bicycle trailer

Eating your birthday cake.

Opening your birthday gift.

And some film too:

A small film form you when you were one half year old.

[embedit snippet=”%c2%bd-year-old-ellinor”]

A film of you walking over to your wagon.

[embedit snippet=”moving-things-on-her-one-year-day”]

I’m so looking forward to being your dad for many years to come and for the time we get together when I’m home taking care of you that starts soon.

She walks

Posted on by
Reply

Today was the day. Our daughter has started to walk. Now she walks from one place to another without holding our hands. (Holding our hands is still the preferred way of getting around though).

Susanna sent me an sms at lunch where she told me that our daughter had walked about 1.5 meters. I didn’t think I would see her walk in the evening, but I was wrong. She now does walk, not that far so far, but still 1 meter here, two meters there and oh she’s over there now.

We do have another concern though. She has started climbing. I think it might even be one of her favourite things to do. We have a small stool with a step. Two days ago she made it up to the table as the stool stood in front of it. Today she just went up and down a few times, (we have moved it away from the table to the piano).

Our daughter after climbing up the stool:

By the way; Toro I owe you a beer.

Our rocking daughter

Posted on by
Reply

I just have to share this:

[embedit snippet=”our-daughter-rocking”]

First time Susanna sat her there she did this, now I finally managed to get it on film.

Today Susanna was away for almost five hours, that’s a new record for being away from our daughter for her. I met up with Susanna at her work and biked home with our daughter. We had a great time, but once every now and then she was longing for her mother.

Soon it’s my turn to take care of her all day, just one more month.

 

How to get wet and enjoy it.

Posted on by
2

How to get wet:

Work half an hour longer than planned. (I wanted to start a simulation before leaving).

  • Get yourself on a bicycle.
  • Move towards the dark clouds.
  • Don’t stop and put on a raincoat.
  • Don’t even bring one.
  • Continue biking.
  • As the rain starts: Don’t take a break under a bus stop.
  • Continue even as the water rises on the road. (In this case about 1 cm).
  • Drive close to cars, they splash some on you.
  • Drive through the river that comes down from Blackeberg. (It used to be a road).

If you aren’t wet by now, you might be water-repellent.

As I got home only the back of my underwear was still dry. Probably the spot I was sitting on. Luckily I have the best wife there is: She handed me a towel as soon I entered the door at home.

Now how to enjoy it:

  • Don’t regret biking home half an hour later than planned.
  • Don’t stop under a bus stop, you might stay there all night.
  • Let it be summer, or at least above 15°C.
  • See it as an adventure.
  • Switch on the lights. You really don’t want some car rear-ending you.
  • Don’t stop. You get cold standing still.
  • Feel everything getting heavier. It’s a funny feeling if you think about it.
  • Enjoy the squeaking sound wet shoes make.

Today I managed well. I followed all the points above and I really enjoyed it. I might not be wearing the same shoes to work tomorrow though.

On a totally different note: My daughter does not really walk yet, she has done a few steps on her own, but she does want us to hold her hands while walking to not fall over. Sometimes that even doesn’t help. As soon as that changes I’ll let you know.

Weekend of doing

Posted on by
Reply

Yesterday I woke up at about eight. And I went up right away. Our daughter was awake and needed to go to the pot. So I told Susanna I could do it, I didn’t feel like sleeping anyway.

(All this is not something I usually like to do on a Saturday morning. I love to sleep in, maybe to ten if possible and then take a slow day).

As I prepared for breakfast, that included taking care of Friday’s dishes due to Friday night laziness I got the urge to bake. But I did have a few more things on my to-do list for the day. I have had this urge a few times the last weeks but I felt this could be the day I actually did it.

So I grabbed the day the best way I could. I started cleaning a bit in the apartment. My part of cleaning the apartment is the bathroom. I don’t like vacuuming and Susanna doesn’t really care for cleaning the bathroom so that comes naturally. (I am the one cleaning the windows too, but that hasn’t happened for more than a year, maybe if I get one more weekend of doing I start with that).

When I was done with that I went shopping. One needs yeast to bake buns.

I started the grill and put Susanna in charge of it, leaving her and our daughter out in the nice weather while I prepared the rest and started baking.

Lunch was good. After lunch I brought down the little tub for our daughter to bath in. She loves bathing!

A friend came over and the buns got ready as I took care of some laundry. Somehow having cloth-diapers result in plenty of laundry.

At this point I felt I was done with the day. We had fresh buns for dinner that was really nice. After dinner our friend left and I just took it easy. As I was sitting in front of the TV in the evening during Susanna’s try to get our daughter to sleep I remembered the flowers so I watered them.

Later Susanna and I watched the first part of a film together. We’ll watch the second half some other day.

Susanna didn’t understand where all my energy came from. Neither do I. Some days are just like that. I wake up and think; “today I’ll do this and that” and I just do it. Most days I just think it, but some days I actually do them. Saturday was a perfect example of that.

Days like that are rare. I did really enjoy it. I did some fun things too. Like baking or playing with our daughter in the water. But the enjoyment came for the entire thing not just the fun things.

Today was busy too. I had sound at church; I start before eight with switching the system on and before I shut it down again it normally is about three thirty in the afternoon. Today we had a toddler’s picnic afterwards. I wasn’t home until just before six.

At that point I was tired. I dozed off in the sofa in front of the TV.

I don’t know what triggers this kind of energy that made me do all these things. I wish I did, because I need to be more effective in my everyday life. If I had weekends like this one every weekend we could look out our windows without thinking about the fact that they are in desperate need of cleaning. There wouldn’t be any shirts hanging in the hall waiting for me to iron them. I would have sold my collection of Donald Duck books a long time ago (the Swedish version). And many other things I need to do.

I will try to rest on the Sundays that I don’t have sound though. I believe that resting is very important. But maybe resting is not just the absent of doing things but the doing of something else. Maybe I find out this week that I really need some rest now. (I do sit in front of a computer all day at work maybe that is resting too).

How to not feel rejected

Posted on by
2

My daughter is just a few days short of 10 months old. She isn’t speaking in a way that is understandable except for us if we pay attention and it still is mostly just guessing. She doesn’t walk by herself. She just today sat up from lying without help, twice actually. (We’ve been dreading that day, because now we can’t just put her down and she stays within a short distance of that place, but can get up and bump around all over).

Bumping is her second preferred way to get around, sitting on her but and wiggling getting around at astonishing speeds. Her first preferred way to get around is to grab some ones fingers, preferably Susanna’s or mine, stand up and start walking.

Anyway: She really shows that it is mom that is important. She doesn’t even have to be hungry. If she is in the wrong mood she just isn’t okay with Susanna leaving. I won’t do. Nothing can (to my desperate tries so far) change that.

Like this morning when Susanna went and took a shower. She immediately bumped towards the door, starting to whine when she arrived there. When that didn’t help, I wasn’t really that awake at that point, she got a bit louder. This had the effect that I took her up. Did that help? No. So I tried to play with her. No, that wasn’t okay either. Big tears went down her cheeks. Tears on my daughter’s cheeks just are a bit tough. So I take it to the next level and give her some of her toys. Nope, that didn’t help either, she just pushed them away. I gave them back to her, she threw them away. I haven’t seen her do it that fierce before. Like she was angry. I think she was. Angry that I didn’t take her to mom. That was my task! Okay, I picked her up again, sang a bit and rocked her gently. Sometimes that helps. Not so this time. I continued doing it, she cried louder. I gave her Susanna’s phone (one of her favourite toys that she can’t play with except when nothing else helps). She threw it on the floor so hard I was afraid it broke. (It didn’t). So I gave myself a little relief and put her down in the crib. Big mistake, she started to scream at the top of her lungs. Susanna must have heard that in the shower. I picked her up again. It went on like this for a little while longer, until; we both heard the sound of a lock and door being opened. She still was crying. Susanna opened the door to our room and Ellinor really tried to wiggle her way out of my arms with her arms stretched out to Susanna. Susanna could not take her over fast enough. As soon Susanna had her she calmed down, still sobbing a bit looking at me with some kind of “why didn’t you get me to mom sooner?” view.

This took about 10 minutes. Ten horrible minutes. Not every time is as bad as this, but she time after time shows me that I’m just not good enough. I pick her up; she turns to mom and tries to escape. I hold her just short while Susanna has to fix something and she starts whining. I stay at the table with her trying to feed her and she is turning her head away. All these things just make one feel less appreciated. Sometimes she just doesn’t let me do anything, not even change the diapers.

Then it’s important to remember the other times:

Like when I come home from work. When I get in the door and say hi, I hear Susanna’s voice somewhere in the apartment; “Did you hear who came now, papa is home.” Then she has the biggest smile on her face when she sees me. If she’s on the floor she starts bumping to me at top speed.

Or when we are together as an entire family. Sitting and having a cosy time on the sofa or in the bed. She just smiles and says “papapapapa” or “mamamapa” or something else that is really cute.

Or when I play with her, taking her for walks, letting her ride my shoulders. She really shows that she loves it when I do things with her sometimes.

Once in a while she just wants me to feed her too. Not accepting food from a spoon as long as Susanna holds it, but only when I give it to her.

Sometimes we just sit in the sofa and have a good time.

She loves me. I know that for sure. She just loves Susanna more. And that is just natural. Susanna is there much more of her time. I disappear to work. She gives the food and comfort she needs to calm down in the evening. This is nothing for me to get jealous of. I know I’m important to her too. She knows it too, I’m sure of it. Thinking of all that, especially when in moments like the ones in the first part of this entry, help me to not feel rejected.

Even when I am rejected by her, I know it’s not personal; it’s just there is someone that is more important to her. That is good. Susanna has to be more important right now. Later that can change. It doesn’t have to, I’m okay with being number 2, later I might even become number 3 or less, who knows. As long as I am the best father I can, in my eyes I’m good enough for her and she is always my lovely daughter.